A Midlife Spiritual Awakening That Started With a Whisper and Turned Into a Roar
How many of you, in a really shitty—or perhaps even an incredible—moment, find yourself praying to God or thanking God, even though you’re not entirely sure if you believe?
Whelp, that was me… for years. I’d be praying hard for things completely out of my control, yet I had no clue who—or what—the hell I was even talking to. And that got me thinking:
Why do so many of us end up praying to something bigger than ourselves, even if we’re not religious?
Is it because, deep down, we know we’re connected to something greater? Or are our brains just trying to comfort us with some imagined protector? Maybe it’s both. Maybe they’re one and the same.
Before I get into where I am now, let me paint you a picture of where I was for a long time…
The Church-Hopping Years: Feeling Like a Spiritual Outsider
As a kid, I guess you could call us “Lutheran-ish.” We weren’t hardcore churchgoers. Most Sundays, my mom and brother would sleep in while I went with my dad—not out of faith, but because I didn’t want him to be alone. (As a kid, I thought anyone doing something solo had to be lonely. Now I know they might’ve just been enjoying the damn peace and quiet!)
My dad was a church hopper. We started as Lutheran, then tried Unitarian, then… just kinda stopped. Which, honestly, was fine by me. The whole church setting always made me a little uncomfortable. I didn’t feel like I belonged.
I wanted to be a TRUE believer—whether in Jesus like the Lutherans, or God in the Unitarian sense—but I just wasn’t. Still, I wanted so badly to believe. Maybe that’s why I was obsessed with Ouija boards and the supernatural as a kid(okay, fine, I still love supernatural shit :/) . I wanted proof of something. Spoiler alert: we never got much proof. But we sure had a blast trying!
Teen Turmoil: Lost in the Chaos
The teen years? Whew. They were rough. My mom relapsed into alcoholism, my parents divorced, and my brother and I were smack in the middle of all of it.
Let’s just say “tumultuous” doesn’t even begin to describe my teenage years. I was lost. Deeply, quietly lost.
A Seed Gets Planted: The Movie That Shifted My Mind
Flash-forward to 2005. I was 19, in community college, working, living with my boyfriend (now partner), and not even thinking about anything spiritual—until someone told me to watch a movie called What the Bleep Do We Know?
(If you haven’t seen it, it’s basically where spirituality meets quantum mysticism. You can find it online somewhere—I highly recommend giving it a watch.)
The concepts blew. my. mind. Science and spirituality? Together? Yes, please. I’d always been curious about philosophy, astrology, the cosmos—anything that hinted at the interconnectedness of everything.
That movie planted a tiny little seed in my brain. But life happened: partying, college, family drama, career hustle. The seed went dormant.
The Hamster Wheel and the Wake-Up Call
Cut to a few years ago. I started realizing I wasn’t functioning the way I wanted to. The joy I craved? Nowhere to be found. Life felt like an endless hamster wheel that ends in… death. And nothingness. Which is just… bleak AF, as the kids say.
So I started looking outward for change. “If I can just make it, things will be better,” I told myself.
I explored voice acting (because character voices are my JAM), but found it overwhelmingly competitive and disheartening. How does one even start when there are thousands of insanely talented people already crushing it?
And even if I did make it—what then? It still all ends in death and nothingness, right? Ugh. That line of thinking eventually forced me to do the one thing I really didn’t want to do: Look inward.
Facing Loss and Learning to Sit With It
What finally pushed me onto a more spiritual path was watching my mom’s health decline.
She has liver disease and early dementia. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to watch someone you love slowly deteriorate. And I had to ask myself: How the hell am I going to deal with this? During? After?
I’ve seen death before. But not this personal. Not like this.
I started having those anxiety-ridden, middle-of-the-night spirals. Lying awake, haunted by the thought of death, of nothingness. Bleak, ammiright?
Now, just to be clear—my mom is alive and kickin’ and I see her every day. But the aggressive progression of dementia is real, and I’ve had to start preparing for the inevitable.
I also had to figure out how to keep showing up for my daughters. I don’t want them growing up with a gray, lifeless mom. I want them to see me living in color—enjoying life, accepting the hardships, and still holding onto a grateful heart.
Finding a Starting Point (Spoiler: It Wasn’t a Meditation Retreat in Bali)
As a teacher living paycheck-to-paycheck with two little kids, I couldn’t exactly jet off to a silent retreat in the Himalayas.
So I did what we all do when we want to learn something: I turned to the internet.
I started learning about mindfulness, meditation, manifestation, and universal connection. I dove into how our thoughts shape our minds, and how our minds are wildly powerful. I just had no clue how to tap into that power—yet.
The Full Circle Moment: Joe Dispenza and Becoming Supernatural
Recently, I stumbled onto books by Dr. Joe Dispenza. The name rang a bell… and then it hit me: he was in that movie I watched at 19—What the Bleep Do We Know?
I just finished reading Becoming Supernatural and devoured it. Science meets spirituality. YES. This is what makes my logical brain and my spiritual soul high-five each other.
I’m learning that if I change my thoughts, I can change my life. That we can actually create magic—if we’re willing to do the inner work. And I am. I am willing and I am ready and I am already seeing a magical shift within.
Finding Peace in the Unknown
My mom’s health isn’t improving. Some days are good and some days are not. But I no longer lie awake dreading some dark, empty nothingness.
I’ve found this… weird little peace. I can’t totally explain it. I’m still new to all of this, and I know I’ve just scratched the surface, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m on the right path.
No, I haven’t made more money. I don’t have anything flashy on the outside to show progress. But I’ve got peace on the inside.
And just knowing that there’s so much more to learn? That excites me. It gives me something to look forward to. I fall asleep dreaming of possibilities instead of drowning in hopelessness.
Let’s Be Online Spiritual Best Friends ✨
I can’t be the only one feeling this way.
If you’re also on a spiritual journey—early, messy, curious, whatever—I want to hear from you. What’s helping you? What are you reading, watching, thinking about?
[Click here] to see what’s catapulted me on my spiritual journey. What about you?
Seriously. Can we be online spiritual besties?
Leave a Reply